masterofmidgets (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
masterofmidgets) wrote2012-01-17 09:42 pm
masterofmidgets) wrote2012-01-17 09:42 pm
Entry tags:
No One Will Convince Me I'm Not Awesome
Heads up: this post includes exercise talk and Stupid Things My Mother Has Said About My Weight.
So, this weekend I went grocery shopping with my mom while I was staying over. On our way into the store, the two of us were talking about how, once I have health insurance again, she thinks I should go into therapy. This is something we've talked about before, and I don't disagree with her - let's just say I have some baggage from the circumstances of my adolescence and leave it at that, okay? But in the middle of this conversation that we've had before, my mom said she thought that getting therapy would be good for my health, and that one of the reasons I'm heavy (her word, not mine) is because of unresolved issues.
To my credit, I did not stop in the middle of the cereal aisle and shout at her that FUCK YOU MY BODY IS NOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE. And to her credit, when I said pretty flatly, uh no, and also I completely disagree, she pretty much let it drop.
But still. For the last year and a half I've talked to her about HAES and Fat Acceptance and Body Positivity. She's helped me plan out the Not-A-Diet and the Make-Vegetables-Delicious Plan. I've told her about changing my body image and dealing with my fears about exercise and why being healthy matters more to me than being skinny. And still, after all that. My mother thinks that my body is a sign of something wrong with me.
It's especially frustrating because I'm really happy with myself right now! Back in the fall, I started a new exercise program, since I'm not walking as much (okay, at all) as I was at school when I had so many fun things to walk to. Knowing myself and my tendency to get super enthusiastic on a new project for about two days before I burn out and lose interest, I deliberately started out really slow - ten minutes three times a week. Not a lot! But the goal wasn't to be in great shape right off the bat; the goal was to keep from scaring myself off for long enough to make it into a regular habit. (This is very similar to the plan I used to change my eating habits - I picked one small thing a term to work on, didn't worry about anything else, and over the course of about two years got myself eating pretty healthy. And thinking brussels sprouts and tofu are the awesomest.)
Thus far, the working out has gone really well. As I said the last time I posted about exercising, it helps a lot to find things I'm good at and enjoy and focus on just doing those. Girly dance moves are too hard for me to remember? Take them off the list! Jumping routines make me miserable? Not doing them again! Mostly I do kick-boxing, which lets me combine my love of kicking ass with my love of working out to bouncy k-pop. I like doing cardio/kick-boxing/weight training by myself because it's not about trying to compete against someone else or keep up with a group (I have no coordination and am terminally half a beat behind, I'm sure you can imagine how dumb I feel in aerobics classes) - it's about pushing up against the limits of my body and making myself do better. Even if I'm pushing those limits very very gently!
On Saturday I clocked my workout for the first time in about six weeks, and I had gotten up to 25 minutes without noticing it. I was so proud of myself when I realized that. I haven't lost weight (that I know of - we don't keep a scale in the house, and I haven't weighed myself since high school) but that is so not the point - it just feels really good to be active again. I couldn't wait to tell my mom about it. And then we had that conversation, and I thought, oh, well, I guess it doesn't matter how healthy I try to be until I can pull off healthy and skinny both.
But you know what? Fuck that noise. Being fat isn't proof that I'm psychologically damaged. My body isn't something that needs to be fixed. I don't need to be skinny to be worthwhile, or to be proud of the changes I've made in my life. And I will keep saying this until it sinks in and I can believe it in every inch of my fat fabulous brilliant body.
So, this weekend I went grocery shopping with my mom while I was staying over. On our way into the store, the two of us were talking about how, once I have health insurance again, she thinks I should go into therapy. This is something we've talked about before, and I don't disagree with her - let's just say I have some baggage from the circumstances of my adolescence and leave it at that, okay? But in the middle of this conversation that we've had before, my mom said she thought that getting therapy would be good for my health, and that one of the reasons I'm heavy (her word, not mine) is because of unresolved issues.
To my credit, I did not stop in the middle of the cereal aisle and shout at her that FUCK YOU MY BODY IS NOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE. And to her credit, when I said pretty flatly, uh no, and also I completely disagree, she pretty much let it drop.
But still. For the last year and a half I've talked to her about HAES and Fat Acceptance and Body Positivity. She's helped me plan out the Not-A-Diet and the Make-Vegetables-Delicious Plan. I've told her about changing my body image and dealing with my fears about exercise and why being healthy matters more to me than being skinny. And still, after all that. My mother thinks that my body is a sign of something wrong with me.
It's especially frustrating because I'm really happy with myself right now! Back in the fall, I started a new exercise program, since I'm not walking as much (okay, at all) as I was at school when I had so many fun things to walk to. Knowing myself and my tendency to get super enthusiastic on a new project for about two days before I burn out and lose interest, I deliberately started out really slow - ten minutes three times a week. Not a lot! But the goal wasn't to be in great shape right off the bat; the goal was to keep from scaring myself off for long enough to make it into a regular habit. (This is very similar to the plan I used to change my eating habits - I picked one small thing a term to work on, didn't worry about anything else, and over the course of about two years got myself eating pretty healthy. And thinking brussels sprouts and tofu are the awesomest.)
Thus far, the working out has gone really well. As I said the last time I posted about exercising, it helps a lot to find things I'm good at and enjoy and focus on just doing those. Girly dance moves are too hard for me to remember? Take them off the list! Jumping routines make me miserable? Not doing them again! Mostly I do kick-boxing, which lets me combine my love of kicking ass with my love of working out to bouncy k-pop. I like doing cardio/kick-boxing/weight training by myself because it's not about trying to compete against someone else or keep up with a group (I have no coordination and am terminally half a beat behind, I'm sure you can imagine how dumb I feel in aerobics classes) - it's about pushing up against the limits of my body and making myself do better. Even if I'm pushing those limits very very gently!
On Saturday I clocked my workout for the first time in about six weeks, and I had gotten up to 25 minutes without noticing it. I was so proud of myself when I realized that. I haven't lost weight (that I know of - we don't keep a scale in the house, and I haven't weighed myself since high school) but that is so not the point - it just feels really good to be active again. I couldn't wait to tell my mom about it. And then we had that conversation, and I thought, oh, well, I guess it doesn't matter how healthy I try to be until I can pull off healthy and skinny both.
But you know what? Fuck that noise. Being fat isn't proof that I'm psychologically damaged. My body isn't something that needs to be fixed. I don't need to be skinny to be worthwhile, or to be proud of the changes I've made in my life. And I will keep saying this until it sinks in and I can believe it in every inch of my fat fabulous brilliant body.