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Every couple of weeks I get a letter from my mom, usually a little note and a bunch of newpaper and magazine clippings she thought I might find interesting - local news about NM politics, stuff about my high school, restaurant reviews, pictures of really cool libraries, stuff like that. Today I got one that had all the usual, and also THE GREATEST THING EVER. Which is an epic poem. ABOUT IKEA. Which I am now sharing with the internets, because I cannot in good conscience keep this all to myself.
An Odea To The IKEA Cabinet
By Dan Maginn
O IKEA, thou art filled with brimming distractions!
Already we have consum'd so much in thy nest.
Our bags are nigh full of Secondary Things
We came not for. Let us locate our Primary Desire:
Tis Kitchen Cabinets we seek. Companion!
Release the gnome-shaped candle from thine grip.
(Tis odd-looking, that.) Drop also the penguin-shaped
Dog toy and focus thine attention! See ye not
What I see? Past the digital clocks, there. Behold
My lingonberry-stained finger: It points to Cabinets.
O Companion! Let us enter the show-kitchen together
And pretend that it is ours. (Though tis a fiction, twill
Help us imagine our own sweet reality.) Look! Here I am
Roasting an imaginary beef! See? Let's take it out of the
Oven, and let it cool down. Companion! Put thyself to
Good use and prep these invisible organic carrots next
To me. Have ye enough room to peel them? Where art
Thy carrot pan? Is she in a cabinet there? Yes, tis there!
This layout, subtly modified has many merits. Twill
Function quite well with our real beefs and carrots.
O Cabinets, thou art affordable and shall fit like
Careless laughter on our walls! Yet ye remain incomplete.
Tis time to cloak you properly. What color are thy doors
And drawers? Be ye wood'n made, or be ye glossed in shiny
Resin? Do steely knobs populate thine countenance?
Companion! Like siblings at play with Mr. Potato Head, let
Us now select a proper face for our Kitchen-Tuber. Duvbo?
We smileth not at thee. Arlig? No - thou art too white. Lo!
Who's this? Companion! What think thee of Linjar? Aye!
Blue of face, sleek of handle, (shines she not brighter
Pon our approach?) LINJAR! Thou art ours!
I love my mom sometimes.
An Odea To The IKEA Cabinet
By Dan Maginn
O IKEA, thou art filled with brimming distractions!
Already we have consum'd so much in thy nest.
Our bags are nigh full of Secondary Things
We came not for. Let us locate our Primary Desire:
Tis Kitchen Cabinets we seek. Companion!
Release the gnome-shaped candle from thine grip.
(Tis odd-looking, that.) Drop also the penguin-shaped
Dog toy and focus thine attention! See ye not
What I see? Past the digital clocks, there. Behold
My lingonberry-stained finger: It points to Cabinets.
O Companion! Let us enter the show-kitchen together
And pretend that it is ours. (Though tis a fiction, twill
Help us imagine our own sweet reality.) Look! Here I am
Roasting an imaginary beef! See? Let's take it out of the
Oven, and let it cool down. Companion! Put thyself to
Good use and prep these invisible organic carrots next
To me. Have ye enough room to peel them? Where art
Thy carrot pan? Is she in a cabinet there? Yes, tis there!
This layout, subtly modified has many merits. Twill
Function quite well with our real beefs and carrots.
O Cabinets, thou art affordable and shall fit like
Careless laughter on our walls! Yet ye remain incomplete.
Tis time to cloak you properly. What color are thy doors
And drawers? Be ye wood'n made, or be ye glossed in shiny
Resin? Do steely knobs populate thine countenance?
Companion! Like siblings at play with Mr. Potato Head, let
Us now select a proper face for our Kitchen-Tuber. Duvbo?
We smileth not at thee. Arlig? No - thou art too white. Lo!
Who's this? Companion! What think thee of Linjar? Aye!
Blue of face, sleek of handle, (shines she not brighter
Pon our approach?) LINJAR! Thou art ours!
I love my mom sometimes.