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Let's Hope I Never Have Kids
Dec. 27th, 2007 10:20 pmBut if I do, someday, I hope I can convince them of the existence of the Christmas-Nin, whose yearly S-ranked mission it is to travel the world, infiltrating homes, leaving presents for good people and used bubblegum and trip wire traps for bad people. And if they have little friends who tell them there is no Christmas-Nin, just Santa, I will tell them that only Christian kids get Santa; pagan kids get ninjas. Because all things considered, a Christmas Ninja is /so much cooler/ than Santa. Not that Santa isn't awesome to begin with. I haven't decided yet if we should leave out dango and senbon for the Christmas-Nin (dango to eat on the long trip, senbon to ward off any anti-Christmas missing-nins who attack during the journey). But we /should/.
On a vaguely related side-note, I was looking around in my head the other night, and I found a plot I had thought out for an HP story. This was before I knew about fan-fiction, so I never actually intended to write it out, and all I can say to that is THANK GOD. Because it is /atrocious/. It is such a horrible little bit of repulsive, deranged tripe that I can't even believe I ever thought it up. It's so bad I have to share it.
Basically, the story concerns the life of Sparrow, Harry Potter's (gasp) long lost twin sister. In the chaos of Voldemort's attack and fall, she was lost, and Dumbledore and Co assumed she had been killed along with Lily and James. Instead, she was adopted into your stereotypical horribly abusive fictional childhood home, from which she ran away to London at the rather improbable age of 5. On the mean streets of London, she was taken in by a kindly paternal old man living on the street (who is of the wise mentor type rather than the filthy crazy person type), who looks after her, teaches her how to survive, how to steal, and how to sing for money, all very important skills, and also names her Sparrow. He tragically dies of pneumonia in the cold winter, leaving her all alone and with more angtsy past fodder. She then lives on her own for a few years, until she meets another young runaway - this one a schizophrenic former Durmstrang student. They have much bonding and romantic feelings while she struggles to support the both of them through her singing, occasionally pick-pocketing, and very occasionally prostitution. Durmstrang boy pays her back by using his amazing skills of awesomeness to teach her how to perform magic without using a wand or any spells. However, he is still schizo, and offs himself, quite dramatically - she finds him on the brink of death, and he dies in her arms. Even /more/ angsty past fodder. With no more tutor, she shows up on the Hogwarts registry, and Arthur Weasley is dispatched to find this wild little child and bring her in to start her third year at Hogwarts. Enter the wacky adventures, the sappy romance, the flashbacks, and the slow revelation of her tragic past and the discovery of her bond with Harry.
Wow. That sounds even worse written out than it did in my head. All I can say in my defense is that the only description of her appearance I gave was that she looked like Lily with James' eyes, that I didn't intend to have every boy in Hogwarts fall in love with her, and that it wouldn't have been full of 1337speak. Still, I am ashamed.
On a vaguely related side-note, I was looking around in my head the other night, and I found a plot I had thought out for an HP story. This was before I knew about fan-fiction, so I never actually intended to write it out, and all I can say to that is THANK GOD. Because it is /atrocious/. It is such a horrible little bit of repulsive, deranged tripe that I can't even believe I ever thought it up. It's so bad I have to share it.
Basically, the story concerns the life of Sparrow, Harry Potter's (gasp) long lost twin sister. In the chaos of Voldemort's attack and fall, she was lost, and Dumbledore and Co assumed she had been killed along with Lily and James. Instead, she was adopted into your stereotypical horribly abusive fictional childhood home, from which she ran away to London at the rather improbable age of 5. On the mean streets of London, she was taken in by a kindly paternal old man living on the street (who is of the wise mentor type rather than the filthy crazy person type), who looks after her, teaches her how to survive, how to steal, and how to sing for money, all very important skills, and also names her Sparrow. He tragically dies of pneumonia in the cold winter, leaving her all alone and with more angtsy past fodder. She then lives on her own for a few years, until she meets another young runaway - this one a schizophrenic former Durmstrang student. They have much bonding and romantic feelings while she struggles to support the both of them through her singing, occasionally pick-pocketing, and very occasionally prostitution. Durmstrang boy pays her back by using his amazing skills of awesomeness to teach her how to perform magic without using a wand or any spells. However, he is still schizo, and offs himself, quite dramatically - she finds him on the brink of death, and he dies in her arms. Even /more/ angsty past fodder. With no more tutor, she shows up on the Hogwarts registry, and Arthur Weasley is dispatched to find this wild little child and bring her in to start her third year at Hogwarts. Enter the wacky adventures, the sappy romance, the flashbacks, and the slow revelation of her tragic past and the discovery of her bond with Harry.
Wow. That sounds even worse written out than it did in my head. All I can say in my defense is that the only description of her appearance I gave was that she looked like Lily with James' eyes, that I didn't intend to have every boy in Hogwarts fall in love with her, and that it wouldn't have been full of 1337speak. Still, I am ashamed.
