Well I'd Definitely Watch It

[masterofmidgets]

Excerpt of a conversation between myself and  regarding the AU where Ianto, Rhys, and PC Andy fight crime together. The BBC needs to make this so badly.

 

Ed-san says:

if they made a show where PC Andy, Rhys, and Ianto teamed up to fight crime, would you watch it?

Amarantha says:

Hell yes!

Amarantha says:

Especially if Jack was stuck on the sidelines cheering them on - it'd be cute.

Ed-san says:

yup

Ed-san says:

he'd be Ianto's boyfriend who comes by to distract him with coffee and flirting and supply closet blowjobs

Amarantha says:

Yup

Amarantha says:

And Ianto would be all 'Oh, sorry, no time for a blowjob right now, I've got to go fight crime!' He'd always come home for dinner, though. And Jack, like Howl, is a salesperson who drives away business because he's so good at selling things.

Ed-san says:

What is Rhys' job in this business?

Amarantha says:

Hmm

Amarantha says:

He'd make a great interrogater

Amarantha says:

Also, he could be their undercover operator

Ed-san says:

who suspects the pudgy easygoing Welsh bloke?

Ed-san says:

Andy...would kick lots of ass

Ed-san says:

all the time

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Amarantha says:

totally

Amarantha says:

And Ianto would, too

Amarantha says:

Ianto is their techy boy

Ed-san says:

Ianto would also still be the secretary, but they would recognize that by secretary they meant "he actually rules the world"

Amarantha says:

yup

Amarantha says:

For he ruleth it mightily

Amarantha says:

And no one else can do the paperwork

Amarantha says:

I mean, Andy?

Amarantha says:

Ouch

Ed-san says:

urgh

Ed-san says:

and Rhys would /try/, but he is probably easily distracted

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Ed-san says:

BBC should make this show

Amarantha says:

Yes

Amarantha says:

They should

Ed-san says:

 a straight hour of snark and Welshdom and ass kicking

Amarantha says:

Rhys and Andy form the Ticked At Torchwood group, which is a freelance alien hunting group, and Ianto joins them, since they're quite justified and he would be more appreciated there anyway.

Ed-san says:

ooh

Ed-san says:

And Jack would Not be Happy

Amarantha says:

No

Amarantha says:

But Ianto would Not Be Coming Back, and Put Away That Retcon, Jack Harkness.

Amarantha says:

Well, not back to Torchwood

Ed-san says:

and Ianto would have to tell him "look, I'm not breaking up with you, your toothbrush is still in my bathroom, you can even drop by for office sex, I just want to work on my own for awhile."

Amarantha says:

Yup

Amarantha says:

And Jack would be all pouty and mention coffee and Ianto would give him the 'that's exactly it' look and comment

Ed-san says:

Jack would eventually come around though

Amarantha says:

yeah

Ed-san says:

once it worked its way through his brain that Ianto really wasn't sneakily breaking up with him

Amarantha says:

yeah

Amarantha says:

Which he'd totally be panicking about

Amarantha says:

He has abandonment issues.

Ed-san says:

ooh, BUCKETS of abandonment issues

Amarantha says:

Tonnes of them.

Ed-san says:

he'd start sending Ianto huge bouquets of flowers and such, and Rhys and Andy would come out and just look at him - like "you know, we thought Gwen was joking about him"

Amarantha says:

heh

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Amarantha says:

And he'd hang around all the time until Ianto would have to ask if Torchwood really was that easy to handle these days

Ed-san says:

which it /is/ of course

Ed-san says:

does  Andy get lots of girls?

Amarantha says:

Andy?

Amarantha says:

Depends on the superhero costume

Amarantha says:

Because you /know/ they have them.

Ed-san says:

oh, yes, they do

Amarantha says:

*giggles*

Amarantha says:

Ianto would be tired of being all stickinthemuddy, so when Andy suggested it he'd be all YES! and Rhys would be a little sheepish but totally into it

Amarantha says:

Because PC Andy is just the teeniest bit geeky

Ed-san says:

and then he'd come out of the dressing room all embarrassed - "does this make my arse look big? It does, doesn't it? I told you, some guys should not have to wear spandex..."

Amarantha says:

*giggles*

Amarantha says:

Rhys, or Andy?

Ed-san says:

Rhys

Amarantha says:

Andy wouldn't care what it looked like

Amarantha says:

He'd be all 'Oh boy! Costume! My favorite!'

Ed-san says:

Andy suffers under the strange delusion that he is a sexy sexy piece of man flesh

Amarantha says:

As long as it was brightly-colored and spandexy

Amarantha says:

Instead of adorable and golden-retriever-y?

Ed-san says:

yup

Ed-san says:

none of his girlfriends have ever tried to disabuse him of this notion cause it's so cute

Amarantha says:

Yup

Amarantha says:

So yes, he could get lots of girls, and they'd all think he was just that cute, prancing around showing off his spandex.

Ed-san says:

yup

Ed-san says:

probably a few boys too

Amarantha says:

Yup

Amarantha says:

Hunh

Amarantha says:

I am amused by stories where Jack accidentally causes Andy to crush on him and totally doesn't notice.

Ed-san says:

awww

Amarantha says:

And Ianto's like, 'Oh, poor kid' and sets him up with a nice boy.

Ed-san says:

Andy would stalk Jack first though - in like, a totally innucuous, non-creepy way

Amarantha says:

yup

Amarantha says:

he would pine outside the hub

Amarantha says:

and bring jack tasty treats

Ed-san says:

awwww

Amarantha says:

because he was 'on his way past'

Ed-san says:

Ianto would feel so bad for him

Amarantha says:

yeah

Ed-san says:

and Tosh and Gwen would treat him like a stray puppy

Amarantha says:

yeah

Amarantha says:

which he rather is

Ed-san says:

"Jack, can we keep him?"

Amarantha says:

heh

Ed-san says:

later, the dinner parties are very awkward

Amarantha says:

*giggles*

Ed-san says:

he /likes/ Jack, but he's a bit embarrassed

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Amarantha says:

Because he had such a huge crush, and he was /so/ obvious, and everyone felt sorry for him and now he's all better and in a good relationship but - ouch! Old crush! And old crush's longtime boyfriend!

Ed-san says:

who set you up with your boyfriend/girlfriend

Amarantha says:

*giggles*

Ed-san says:

do we want Andy to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

Amarantha says:

I dunno

Amarantha says:

He'd probably date a string of both before landing on someone.

Amarantha says:

You know, he totally doesn't break up with people. They always end up breaking up with him.

Amarantha says:

I don't think it would occur to him to break up with them

Amarantha says:

Even if they were evil.

Ed-san says:

and he's always so confused and thinks he screwed up somehow

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Amarantha says:

But he totally didn't - it's just that most of them probably end up feeling a bit like he

Ed-san says:

but aside from a regrettable tendency to crush on the bad guys, he mostly has non-angsty relationships that end for normal, non fraught reasons

Amarantha says:

is their little brother.

Amarantha says:

Oh - he'd totally crush on John Hart.

Ed-san says:

oh god yes

Amarantha says:

And John would be all 'It's weird and fluffy and oddly cute.'

Amarantha says:

He wouldn't know quite what to do with Andy

Ed-san says:

"what do I do with it?"

Ed-san says:

yes

Amarantha says:

exactly

Amarantha says:

He would wonder if killing it was acceptable, or if he should sleep with it, but nothing seems quite right. It's too harmless for any of these activities. It might get sad.

Ed-san says:

so he just lets it follow him around and tries to ignore it as much as possible

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Amarantha says:

But slowly, it suckers him into a relationship

Ed-san says:

sometimes he tentatively pats him on the head

Amarantha says:

He's not sure how this relationship business happened

Ed-san says:

Jack is /so/ smug about it

Amarantha says:

One day, he was tentatively patting it on the head, and the next day, he was bringing it ice cream and flowers

Amarantha says:

Ianto is laughing uncontrollably

Ed-san says:

yes

Ed-san says:

Rhys just rolls his eyes and asks if everyone's done flirting can we get some actual work done, thank you

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Amarantha says:

And Andy grins and raises his ice cream, and Ianto is all 'He followed me here!'

Ed-san says:

Rhys is mostly very cool about the whole thing though

Amarantha says:

Yeah

Ed-san says:

he's just never stopped being grateful to Jack for being gay

Amarantha says:

About the whole 'both my teammates are dating time-traveling blokes' business

Ed-san says:

yes, that

Amarantha says:

He's not sure how it happened - surely it's statistically impossible, given the range of time and the scarcity of Time Agents, but it happened anyway.

Ed-san says:

He just checks them off the list of "guys I think my wife wanted to sleep with /wanted to sleep with my wife but hah, now they are into blokes"

Amarantha says:

As long as they don't get in the way, they're acceptable. Also, they bring him pastries so that they can stay with their boyfriends

Amarantha says:

I love Rhys' list!

Ed-san says:

I love this AU

Ed-san says:

do they actually have superpowers, or do they just wear the costumes?

Amarantha says:

Um...

Amarantha says:

They have very cool tech, but I dunno about the superpowers

Amarantha says:

Andy would be so happy if he had some, though... *gives superpowers to Andy because of puppy eyes*

Ed-san says:

no one would notice if Ianto had powers...possibly he already has them

Ed-san says:

Superefficiency

Ed-san says:

Superfiling

Amarantha says:

Supercleaning

Amarantha says:

Supermemory

Ed-san says:

Super-Jack-resistance

Amarantha says:

Oh, definitely that one

Amarantha says:

Although, he has weakened

Amarantha says:

His powers eventually fell before the endless onslaught of Jackness.

Amarantha says:

Supersnark

Ed-san says:

hee

Ed-san says:

Superobservance

Amarantha says:

Phones all dead!

Amarantha says:

No more phones! Hello can you hear me? No! Because the phones aren't working!

Ed-san says:

*giggles*

Ed-san says:

now I want to stage a hostile takeover of the BBC so we can bring this show to fruition

Amarantha says:

Oh yes

Amarantha says:

Or maybe subliminal suggestion, played through a tape into RTD's bedroom?

Ed-san says:

yes

 

Comments

[telyanofcelore.livejournal.com]

Our conversations? FTW. And we should totally write this AU up. We could make it its own little LJ page and fill it with oneshots!