Love In The Asylum

Important conclusions about the Poetsverse colourofasying and I reached today on Skype:

1. Oscar Wilde's relationship with Bosie is more or less a trainwreck from the very beginning, since Bosie is an spoiled, insufferable little snot who steals from him, cheats on him, and talks him into a cocaine habit. But it hits rock bottom when he gets publicly outed by getting caught in a club, coked out of his mind with Bosie and a couple of rentboys, and Bosie promptly dumps him because a broke, disgraced, possibly-in-prison boyfriend is no use to him at all. Robert Ross pulls some strings to keep him out of jail and not fired from the magazine, gets him into rehab, and yells at him until he stops moping about the whole mess. Wilde returns to the London scene with a fabulously successful novel he wrote about one of the other patients he met in rehab. And then he teams up with The Band to write a rock opera that is not a thinly-veiled account of him and Bosie, no really it's not we swear. The album is called Pictures of Dorian Gray, naturally.

2. John Keats is in a polyamorous puppy-pile of a relationship with Cowdon Clarke, Charles Armitage Brown, Joseph Severn, and Charles Dilke. They share a converted loft/artist's studio that is one step away from being a commune. Leigh Hunt used to live with them, but when The Band started taking off and Keats got more successful things got weird and awkward and they started fighting, and eventually Hunt stormed off in the middle of a screaming match and never came back. Now they've mostly made up, but they've also realized they make better friends with occasional benefits than housemates. All six of them met when they were teenagers at a traditional and very-posh boys-only boarding school. Hunt was Keats' Greek tutor. The rest of The Band can't really tell any of them apart and just calls them all John's Groupies.

3. Every serious plot arc has a secondary plot arc about Lord Byron getting into sleezy hijinks. Pranking reporters who say mean things to Yeats. Sleeping with Shelley's sister. Showing up at Tennyson's door at 3 in the morning to ask about STD tests. Orgies in hotel lobbies. And of course his semi-annual drunken men's room hatefuck with Oscar Wilde.

Graduation is tomorrow! Hopefully I will not fall off the stage or drop my diploma or have to stop my family from getting into a brawl in the middle of the church. Got my fingers crossed, just in case. :)

I have this long-standing dream of someday being able to sit in on a pitch session for a Doctor Who novel. I will be sorely disappointed if there aren't serious looking people in snappy suits sprawled all over the room, drinking cheap beer and dropping acid and yelling at each other about how they need more tiny aliens and sentient tigers, damnit!

Seriously, it is the only way I can explain away the plots of 9/10ths of the DW books published in the last twenty years. They are crack personified. They are a literary drug trip. They are the Doctor and Amy Pond riding a robotic rampaging mammoth through the New York Museum of Natural History. THEY ARE REALLY SERIOUSLY ADDICTING.

Take, for example, the book I'm reading now from the Eighth Doctor Adventures. Stylistically it is actually pretty neat - the whole thing is written as a pseudo-historical narrative, like someone found a bunch of first-hand source texts and decided to write their dissertation on one of the Doctor's adventures. It's interesting to compare the conclusions the fictitious author draws about the Doctor and the events around him, based on his interpretation of the source texts, and the conclusions a reader can draw, based on knowing who and what the Doctor actually is. I'm not sure that kind of conceit would be to everyone's tastes, but I'm really enjoying it.

But the plot. Oh my god the plot. It is amazing.

Honestly I never in my weirdest dreams thought I would read a book where a desperately ill Eight goes undercover in 18th Century London as an inventor slash elemental spirit, so that he can help a coven of high-class Tantric prostitutes use ritualistic magic to stop the invasion of the world by evil, blood-thirsty apes summoned by the actions of European occultists and secret societies. In order to do this, he almost gets married to a thirteen-year-old girl in a ceremony intended to formally bind him as Earth's protector.

HE STEALS THE MASTER'S BEARD. I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.

Oh Doctor Who. What are you on, and where can I get some?

Note: this started out as a conversation about how Kirk gives people terrible birthday presents, like copies of the Orion Kama Sutra, or coupons for the whorehouse on Rigel VII, or kidnapping them and leaving them tied to the bed of their secret crush. I blame all of this on colourofsaying .

colourofsaying : A psychic plant.
Do those plants receive or project or both?
masterofmidgets : probably both
for maximum ridiculousness
espically ridiculous if it projects totally at random
like, Sulu is in his room, and suddenly Lt Riley can't stop thinking about Chekov naked
colourofsaying : That would be hilarious
Plant during flowering season would be even better.
masterofmidgets : plant during flowering season is contagious
one breath of pollen and you are seeing what the Captain really wants to do with McCoy
colourofsaying : And then they are seeing what you are thinking about that.
And what other things that makes you think.
colourofsaying : Kirk loves to sneak into the locked parts of the botany labs and redistribute.
He thinks mass crew orgies are excellent for morale.
masterofmidgets : an excellent way to relieve tension on long voyages and foster inter-crew communication
(if "yes, yes, harder, right there, oh god!" counts as communication, I suppose)
colourofsaying : Which Spock does not think counts, but he tends to use psychic barriers during flowering season.
masterofmidgets : which is probably a good thing, because thinking about Spock thinking about sex would probably break most of the crew's brains
colourofsaying : But Kirk would love it.
Any sort of sex is good. He's quite open to it. And anyone having it.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: I knew under that cold, logical exterior beat the heart of a total perv
Kirk: not that wanting my ass is illogical. I mean, have you looked at it lately?
colourofsaying : Spock: I believe that the answer to that question has recently been projected into your mind by [insert latin name of plant].
masterofmidgets : Kirk: and may I just say how flattered I am that you prefer me to subspace scans? Although I don't think I am actually that bendy. But I'm willing to work on that!
colourofsaying : Spock: Subspace scans begin to hold more appeal.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: even if I tell you I know how to do that Vulcan position you've been fantasizing about?
colourofsaying : Spock: ...the logical response seems possibly deleterious to our reputations.
masterofmidgets : Kirk:...you have met me before, haven't you?
Kirk: besides, the entire crew's thought we were doing it since that time I fainted in your arms on Seti Alpha VI
colourofsaying : Chekov: *blinkblink*
Sulu: *agrees mentally*
Spock: This is not your concern, ensign.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: or maybe since your old future self badtouched my brain, I'm not really sure
colourofsaying : Spock: I do not believe I have come across a reference to this incident in the logs...
masterofmidgets : Kirk: and you WON'T, thank you Mr. First Officer. Let's just say it was...instructive and leave it at that, okay?
colourofsaying : Spock: ...your mind projects equally to your vocal cords, were you aware?
masterofmidgets : Kirk: good god, why are we still talking about this when I can see myself sucking dick in your head?
Kirk: I don't even care I said that on the bridge in front of the Commander of the Klingon Fleet.
colourofsaying : Spock: I believe he may have been rendered unconcious by the strength - or subject - of your projections, Captain.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: Then Sulu, fire photons on the Klingon vessel and I am declaring this crisis officially over. I have a First Officer to go violate the Starfleet Code of Conduct with.
colourofsaying : Spock: Captain, I believe this is a gross violation of - ppphmmf
Kirk: *smug* I believe that is the point.

colourofsaying : Did you notice that Fraser looks similar to John Barrowman?
masterofmidgets : JB from, like, way back in S1 DW, maybe
colourofsaying : *nods*
masterofmidgets : that provides some very strange mental images, and also a crossover where Jack is his own great-great-great grandfather somehow (and by somehow I mean fucking someone he shouldn't)
colourofsaying :  *grins*
...wait, were you thinking of Jack as a Mountie in a threesome with the Rays?
masterofmidgets : um, no?
colourofsaying : ok, that's probably a good thing
Jack as a Mountie is a scary scary thought
And he probably couldn't carry caribou either
masterofmidgets : more like Jack making an unexpected trip to Canada in the 60s and then one day he and the team are in Chicago and he meets a Mountie who looks suspiciously familiar
colourofsaying :  *grins*
Somehow Fraser procreates eventually?
masterofmidgets : or at the very least jerks off into a cup for science
colourofsaying :  *raises eyebrows* Somehow the phrase 'jerks off' and the name 'Fraser' sound very odd together
colourofsaying :  I just - do you think he ever did?
masterofmidgets : I...god
I actually imagine him having a very strict schedule for it. Like, once in week, in order to stay in top condition and good spirits.
very businesslike
colourofsaying : *giggles*
With Mountie-approved pinup posters?
masterofmidgets : he lies back and thinks of Nova Scotia
colourofsaying :  *dies*
YES
He makes Diefenbaker go in the barn.
masterofmidgets : this is not a sight appropriate for young wolves
colourofsaying : Nope
Although Diefenbaker is apparently quite the Casanova
He has puppies!
masterofmidgets : awwwwwwww
I am dead from cute
colourofsaying :  *grins*
masterofmidgets : ...and also picturing Fraser very carefully staring straight ahead, back perfectly straight, while he gives Diefenbaker The Talk.
colourofsaying : ...yes
masterofmidgets : I feel like I have to post this conversation now

ETA: this conversation continued on to Jack trying to initiate an orgy with Fraser and both Rays, John Hart's attempt to seduce Fraser into his spaceship, Fraser's identity crisis, and the founding of Torchwood Chicago. Go us.

Excerpt of a conversation between myself and  regarding the AU where Ianto, Rhys, and PC Andy fight crime together. The BBC needs to make this so badly.

 

 

Just when I think the internet can no longer truly shock or horrify me, I come across characters being tentacle-raped by alien pie. And all I can do is shake my head and despair.