Love In The Asylum

I'm so...fuck. I don't even know. I'm so miserable right now. The financial aid department still hasn't contacted me about my revision request and my bill is due next week. The doctors at the hospital are fail - the reason my grandfather isn't getting better at the rehab center is because they don't have him on the steroids he should be on, the same drugs they didn't give him three weeks ago which resulted in him being so altered they thought he had a stroke. I think my dad thinks our dog is dying and I don't know what to do.

I hate this summer so much. I'm so exhausted. I just want bad things to stop happening because I can't deal with them anymore.

Sometimes when I haven't been around him in a while, I forget how much of my relationship with my father consists of us screaming at each other. You'd think I'd know by now that asking him to be emotionally supportive is just asking him to be a dick.

I hate my life.

I hate my family.

I hate how much of a fuck-up I am.

I have to call the financial aid office tomorrow and find out why my EFC is so insanely high. And find a job. And maybe jump off a bridge. I'm reserving tonight for huddling under the covers with Supernatural and frudge brownie ice cream. And maybe more crying, because I haven't done that nearly enough today.

I promise I'll try to be less dripping with self-pity soon.

ETA: Had a good cry and a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and am feeling better. Applied for a job as a lifeguard and some stuff for the city. Tomorrow doing applications for some retail shit. Still freaking out about the financial aid, but that I will have to deal with in the morning. Torchwood Day Three post is probably imminent.

In the post over here explaining why Scans_Daily was suspended and what the mods are trying to do about it, the amazing and fantastic pandanoai has the entire comm, from 2005 through February 6th, saved as an LJArchive file and available for download. I'm reading posts right now, because nothing makes me feel better than seeing Bart be adorable, Hal Jordan get hit in the head, and Midnighter kiss his husband. It's great she did that, really incredible - it's a huge resource that I can't imagine losing. I go to S_D to check obscure plot points and make sure I'm not screwing something up in my stories; to giggle over Context Is For The Weak when I need a pick-me-up; to decide what titles are worth buying and which aren't; to indulge my new-found love of characters I've never heard of before by reading every panel they appear in. I'm so glad I'll still have that, even if the comm is gone for good.

But man, having the posts available to me now is making me realize how much I miss Scans_Daily already. Because it's not just the posts - it's a wrench every time I get to the end, and there's no comments. No one clarifying a mistake the poster made in their explanation of the backstory. No one making icons. No one offering their philosophical critique of Grant Morrison's writing. No Didio and Quesada hate. No Liefield mocking. No people remarking how insanely gay Green Lantern and Green Arrow are for each other. No motto.

Scans_Daily is what got me into comics a year ago. It's what fed my addiction. It's how I found out that I loved Guy Gardner, Booster Gold, Jaime Reyes, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Jean-Paul Beaubier, Connor Hawke, Tim Drake, Bart Allen - just about every character who matters to me. Every dime I have spent on comics is because of this comm. And I can't imagine going somewhere else, I really can't. Where else am I going to find real fans talking, with a mix of humor and seriousness, anger and love, about the real comics, not just what the PR people at Marvel and DC want you to see? Where else will I find a place that slash friendly? Where else, in a genre so dominated by men, and immature men at that, will I find a community with that many women ready and willing to post and talk about what they like and what they read?

I'm sorry to everyone on my flist who isn't into comics, because I'm sure it is really boring to listen to me whine about this. But I just feel so...gutted. I feel like I've really lost something special today, and it hurts.

(All I have to say about the consensus rumor that PAD is responsible for getting us the axe is that if it is true, I am never buying anything of his again. Which is sad, because he wrote Young Justice and I really wanted to eventually replace my downloaded cbrs with real comics, but if you disrespect and mistreat your fans the way he did, you don't get a goddamned cent from me.)

A Brief Summary Of The Last Few Days

Wednesday: spent 12 hours in the car with my father. Utah and Colorado were quite lovely to drive through. Salt Lake City seemed cool, for what I saw of it; we basically got in, ate dinner, and crashed. Because 12 HOURS IN THE CAR. Urgh.

Thursday: The salt flats in Utah are hideous. The drive was only about 7 hours, so that was good. There is a very small part of Reno (ie where all the casinos are) that is shiny and fun, the rest is a white trash dump. People kept mistaking me for a trophy wife. WTF Reno?

Friday: short drive again, this time through the moutains in Northeast California. Utterly, utterly gorgeous, if slow-going and a bit nausea-inducing at times (lots and lots of going in circles). I find it bizarre that I was able to read the entirety of Night Watch (Terry Pratchett), which was 400-odd pages, straight through with no problems, but 15 minutes of Japanese studying and I felt so queasy I had to stop before I got sick. We stayed with my uncle, who is neat (and /such/ a closet case), but had no internet and 5 golden retreivers. Enough said.

Today: got to campus around 1 in the afternoon. Moving all my stuff in was surprisngly hassle-free since it was stored literally 20 feet away. Roommate seems like a nice person so far, and reasonably messy, which is good. Two Major Problems.

1. I have no key! The housing office was closed when we got here, so I couldn't sign in and get my room key. Which means I have no way to get into the building until Monday unless someone else happens to be around. Or my /room/. I am very much spazzing about this.

2. When I went to register my computer so I could get online, I found out my wireless card had somehow spontanouesly disappeared. Like, it doesn't work, it isn't showing up /anywhere/, and the wireless utilty program won't open.  It's not a life-ending problem - I can get on with my ethernet cable, and it's even long enough I can get my computer on my bed once I can see it again, but I am so tired and head-achey and frustrated and sick of this stuff it has me about in tears.  I did everything my RCC could think of, including redownloading the drivers, but no go. She's going to ask around the other RCCs, but it might be a hardware problem, I don't know. Just...gah. I don't even want to deal with this now.

There will hopefully be a better, less emo post later, when I've gotten some damn sleep.

Wow, but I've been emo this week! And last week as well! Poor Al, our IM conversations for the past 10 days or so have more or less been me crying and her trying to keep me from having a complete nervous breakdown. But I got through most of the classwork I was struggling with, I ordered my ticket home for spring break and my mom may actually not be lame and pay me back, we'll see, I finally got some sleep and took an evening off to read Superman/Batman porn, and now I am feeling much better.

On the downside, I think my bike got stolen? Or possibly I parked it somewhere dumb and just haven't remembered where, which seems probable since I've been like the walking dead all week, but I think I would have seen it by now. So yeah, someone probably stole it. Why someone would /want/ my bike, which is ugly and beat up and doesn't have a functioning gear shift, I don't know. I also don't know how to go about getting it back...and I do want it back, ugly and useless as it is. I mean, where else would I find such a reliable means of making an idiot of myself? There is also the small matter of classes which are inconveniently far away and which I have no desire to walk to. I guess the goal for the weekend will be to figure out if there is anything I can do about my bike now, or if I should resign myself to being bikeless. Worse things have happened, I suppose.

My Witch Hunts class is corrupting me; I had a bunny earlier this week for an FFVII!AU where Cloud is being burned as a witch and gets saved by Zack. I'm not sure, it's kind of cracked out, but I really want to write it.

 I'm kind of psyched about writing this now...