NOTE TO SELF

Dear Self: you are never allowed to use lotion again. I don't care if it smells nice. I don't care if it's a pretty color. I don't care if it has a cool name and says it's made with citrus and unicorn spit. You are not allowed to touch it! It is aloe vera and shea butter or nothing, bitch.

Jesus fucking christ, I am itchy. Not even any skin irritation or hives (except when my face started burning, but that went away), just SO ITCHY OMG. I want to peel all my skin off with a rusty knife. It would probably be less unpleasant than this. Bath and Body Works is definitely off my list of 'products that don't make me want to die' forever. What the buggering hell, this is awful. *scritches*

(side note: scratching hard to reach itchy spots with a hair brush may seem like a good idea. IT'S REALLY NOT. ow.)

James T Kirk Does Not Have Time For Subtlety

Note: this started out as a conversation about how Kirk gives people terrible birthday presents, like copies of the Orion Kama Sutra, or coupons for the whorehouse on Rigel VII, or kidnapping them and leaving them tied to the bed of their secret crush. I blame all of this on colourofsaying .

colourofsaying : A psychic plant.
Do those plants receive or project or both?
masterofmidgets : probably both
for maximum ridiculousness
espically ridiculous if it projects totally at random
like, Sulu is in his room, and suddenly Lt Riley can't stop thinking about Chekov naked
colourofsaying : That would be hilarious
Plant during flowering season would be even better.
masterofmidgets : plant during flowering season is contagious
one breath of pollen and you are seeing what the Captain really wants to do with McCoy
colourofsaying : And then they are seeing what you are thinking about that.
And what other things that makes you think.
colourofsaying : Kirk loves to sneak into the locked parts of the botany labs and redistribute.
He thinks mass crew orgies are excellent for morale.
masterofmidgets : an excellent way to relieve tension on long voyages and foster inter-crew communication
(if "yes, yes, harder, right there, oh god!" counts as communication, I suppose)
colourofsaying : Which Spock does not think counts, but he tends to use psychic barriers during flowering season.
masterofmidgets : which is probably a good thing, because thinking about Spock thinking about sex would probably break most of the crew's brains
colourofsaying : But Kirk would love it.
Any sort of sex is good. He's quite open to it. And anyone having it.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: I knew under that cold, logical exterior beat the heart of a total perv
Kirk: not that wanting my ass is illogical. I mean, have you looked at it lately?
colourofsaying : Spock: I believe that the answer to that question has recently been projected into your mind by [insert latin name of plant].
masterofmidgets : Kirk: and may I just say how flattered I am that you prefer me to subspace scans? Although I don't think I am actually that bendy. But I'm willing to work on that!
colourofsaying : Spock: Subspace scans begin to hold more appeal.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: even if I tell you I know how to do that Vulcan position you've been fantasizing about?
colourofsaying : Spock: ...the logical response seems possibly deleterious to our reputations.
masterofmidgets : Kirk:...you have met me before, haven't you?
Kirk: besides, the entire crew's thought we were doing it since that time I fainted in your arms on Seti Alpha VI
colourofsaying : Chekov: *blinkblink*
Sulu: *agrees mentally*
Spock: This is not your concern, ensign.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: or maybe since your old future self badtouched my brain, I'm not really sure
colourofsaying : Spock: I do not believe I have come across a reference to this incident in the logs...
masterofmidgets : Kirk: and you WON'T, thank you Mr. First Officer. Let's just say it was...instructive and leave it at that, okay?
colourofsaying : Spock: ...your mind projects equally to your vocal cords, were you aware?
masterofmidgets : Kirk: good god, why are we still talking about this when I can see myself sucking dick in your head?
Kirk: I don't even care I said that on the bridge in front of the Commander of the Klingon Fleet.
colourofsaying : Spock: I believe he may have been rendered unconcious by the strength - or subject - of your projections, Captain.
masterofmidgets : Kirk: Then Sulu, fire photons on the Klingon vessel and I am declaring this crisis officially over. I have a First Officer to go violate the Starfleet Code of Conduct with.
colourofsaying : Spock: Captain, I believe this is a gross violation of - ppphmmf
Kirk: *smug* I believe that is the point.

I Am Lacking In Brevity

To build up some meme karma on the Star Trek Kink Meme, since I haven't had any of my prompts filled yet, I decided to try filling a couple this afternoon.

...I knew there was a reason I haven't been writing kink meme prompts. I'm 2100 words into an anti-sex pollen Kirk/Spock fic, and they are still in Sickbay. They just figured out that the plant made it so they can't get within ten feet of each other. I've still got tons of emotional issues and a major action scene and Kirk almost dying to write. What the hell, brain?